Gone but not forgotten.
This is a picture of my Elvie cat, just after he arrived as a kitten on the doorstep (funny how that happens to me) in 2008. My heart just melts whenever I see that photo, it’s hard to remember him ever being that tiny. If you’ve been following my posts you’ll know that I decided to have Elvie put to sleep at the end of August this year. I wasn’t an easy decision, but I knew it was for the best. You may also know that part of my work is Pet Bereavement Support, so I knew it could be an emotional journey.
I have a possibly unique approach to pet bereavement. I believe that we can consciously allow our love of our pet to be greater than the sadness we feel at losing them. It’s a knowing I have deep inside. That being said, I understand that it can be a challenge to allow that and that the grieving process can be deep and bring up a lot of very intense emotions.
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t acknowledge our grief, it’s more apt to say that I feel we don’t have to get lost there, that doesn’t serve us or our beloved pet who is no longer physically with us. That’s what I help my clients with, and now, it’s what I’m helping myself through also.
How does it feel when they’re gone?
I have an easy way of noticing how I’m feeling about Elvie not being around anymore. The plants and flowers in the picture below are ones I planted in his memory, in front of the spot where he is buried in the garden (there’s also a crocheted garland hanging above that you can’t see).
I see those flowers from the kitchen window every day and I still usually wave to him there and say hello every morning.
Sometimes when I glance there I smile and remember his sweetness and the joy he brought to my life. At those moments I truly appreciate having had him in my life and it warms my heart.
Yet, at other times, I can get a sudden pang of grief when I look out, a missing of him, especially of his sweet body, his soft fur, his loud happy purr. It hits me in my solar plexus ans sometimes tears well up. There are times when I can even get angry that he’s not here anymore and that his body died so young (he was only 8 years old).
Overall, I have adapted to the house being ’emptier’ and my kitten Baby losing her playmate. She’s adapting now too. I did try adaopting another cat quite soon after, and wlist I was upset when that didn’t work out (he couldn’t get on with Baby) I’m settling in to a new routine now, even though we all still feel Elvie’s absence.
Reminders of our pets can come up in many ways, from glancing at a now empty favourite spot they had, walking outdoors where they usually joined you, even stumbling over old photos. In my case, my facebook feed has been bringing up old ‘memories’ which were pictures of Mr Elvie from several years ago (where he was snoozing and generally being cute). Mostly, I was happy to have those reminders, yet I know that being reminded like that can re-trigger our grief, as we remember the loss of them.
How to soften the pain.
When those painful moments come up and when my memories of him are bitter-sweet I don’t fight it, but as I said earlier, I don’t dwell there either. Both the sadness and the joyful rememberings seem to come in waves.
I invite you to ride those waves as gently as you can, without getting pulled under. Also, please be kind to yourself. So often I hear my clients start to berate themselves for not ‘pulling themsleves together’ when they still get sad about a deceased pet, months or even years after the pet died. The grieving process is unique to us all and can be unpredictable. Just when the sea seems to calm, a huge wave can surge forth and engulf us.
Self care, acknowledging your feelings and have a safe space to share them in can really help. I also recommend self help techniques such as meditation, energy medicine techniques and my favourite emotion balancer and soother, EFT tapping. It’s this one I’ll demonstrate for you now.
Video
In this week’s video I walk you through some EFT tapping for when your memories of your pet makes you feel sad. If you watch and tap along, it should soften the sadness. Please be responsible for your own well-being if you choose to tap along. If your feelings of grief are very intense and if this topic is very upsetting to you, it may be best to work with a trained professional (such as myself or another EFT practitioner / pet bereavement counsellor) rather than trying to deal with it all by yourself.
That being said, I find that this style of tapping is a wonderfully gentle way to soothe the rawness of emotion that we can feel during the grieving process and it works wonders for me and my clients, helping them move smoothly through the waves of emotion when they arise. So please do try it for yourself if it feels appropraite for you to do so.
Over to you
If you tried the tapping, I’d love to hear how the experience was for you, please let me know by commenting below. Thank you.
Also please share this post with someone who could do with a bit of extra help coming to terms with the loss of a pet. The tapping is a great tool to help people navigate their grief gently.
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